Pensives, Snitches, & Spiders Who Ron Don' Meet
by Noir Lime Canuto
Summary: Yes, this is a parody. "Well, it appears to me that Draco killed Neville, and then Hermione and Draco started to snog, and then you kicked down the door- which, I might add, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever..."


_**Pensives, Snitches, & Spiders Who Don't Interact With Ron**_

"Come in," a deep, old person voice murmured. This lead Harry to believe that it was Dumbledore on the other side of the door. Also, it was the door to Dumbledore's office-- but hey, you never know who might be in there, right?

"Sure, Headmaster!" Harry said, then flicked his wand a murmured, "Doorus Opensky." At first, the door didn't budge, so he added, "Prettius pleasefsky?" and it did, like magic.

He looked around the office. There were spiffy pictures of all the headmasters along the walls. Except, there wasn't one of Dumbledore, and for a moment, Harry wondered why. And then he felt very silly, because he remember exactly why. Dumbledore was a vampire, and those guys didn't show up in portraits. Or mirrors. It had to be horribly inconvenient.

"Sit down," Dumbledore said, his electric brown eyes twinkling with the mysterious and elusive shimmer of knowledge. He paused, and as he did so Harry examined the folds in his skin that most people referred to as wrinkles. The man looked very old, but Harry suspected he looked young for his age-- he didn't really know all that many old people.

A few moments into the pause, Dumbledore reached under his desk and pulled out a book. On the cover, it said, '_Gwunkle Derendinfer's Magical Thesaurus For Wizards_.' The old chap flipped through the pages, nodded vaguely, then looked up at Harry again, setting the book down.

"My veracious compatriot. It is my burden to edify you that Hermione Granger is totes snogging Draco Malfoy."

Harry couldn't believe it. In fact, he didn't. (Believe it, that is.) He stood up and smashed everything in Dumbledore's office, then said, "How would you even know that!"

"Harry, I know I keep a lot of things from you, but..." then he shoved Harry's head into a bowl of liquid-gas-stuff, and all of a sudden Harry was falling, and then...

He was in Hogwarts? In the same office he'd just been in? He looked around, and noticed that Dumbledore was still sitting across from him. Except, now he was wearing different robes, and his hair was tawny, and he looked younger and he was being bitten by a radioactive spider.

Harry was tempted to call out, and stop Dumbledore from being bitten by the radioactive spider, but then he remembered the lies the headmaster had been spewing before about his best friend and his worst enemy. So, with that in mind, he just sort of watched. Then, all of a sudden, he was thrust into the present again. (Or the future, depending on where you're standing. I mean, this is written in past-tense, right? Wait—_was_?)

"So, Harry, as you can see, I was bitten by a radioactive spider in my youth."

Even Harry couldn't figure this one out. "But Professor, what does that have to do with anything?"

Dumbledore rolled his twinkly eyes. "Obviously, Harry," he said, "this caused me to obtain spider-like super powers."

"But isn't that cheating?"

"No. I'm a wizard, so I've already hacked life."

"What?"

"Clearly you haven't bent any spoons with your mind recently. Nothing is real. We're all batteries."

"_What_?"

"Oh, wait, nevermind, that's something else. What I meant to say was that I used my spidey-senses to track Draco and Hermione snogging."

"But why would you even think to do that?"

"Because I have way too much time on my hands. I mean, come on Harry, you're talking to the bloke who discovered new uses for dragon's blood. I'm not exactly--" but before he could finish, Harry had run out of the room, swearing like a dragon who could speak English and was very upset about something. Yeah, like one of those. Dragons are magical, right?

"HERMIONE!" he yelled, walking back into the train compartment after kicking down the door.

Hermione Sofia Maryland Cosby Granger looked up in surprise. "Yeah?" she asked.

"ARE YOU SNOGGING MALFOY?"

"Well, no, not at the moment. Why, can't you tell? I forgot you were blind! Oh!"

"No, I just wear glasses."

"Right, sorry! Merlin, I get so confused about these things."

"S'all right, tiny details. Anyway, WERE YOU, JUST NOW, BEFORE I KICKED DOWN THE DOOR, SNOGGING DRACO MALFOY?"

"Um," Hermione began, looking from Malfoy, who she'd just been snogging, to Neville's dead body on the floor. Her bright purple lipstick had left marks on Malfoy's awkwardly tan cheeks.

Then, Gregory Goyle stepped in to the compartment. He'd left his Encyclopedia Britannica collection behind, and was quite put-out about it, and had decided to pop back in and pick it up.

"GOYLE!" Harry shouted, pulling out his wand and spinning to face Goyle.

"Yes?"

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?"

"Well, it appears to me that Draco killed Neville, and then Hermione and Draco started to snog, and then you kicked down the door-- which, I might add, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, the thing wasn't even locked-- and walked in," and with that Goyle left, looking irritated.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief, and sat down across from Hermione, kicking Neville's dead body out of the way as he did so. "Oh, thank Merlin," he murmured, "Goyle's totes always talking crazy stuff. You two deff weren't making out."

"You mean snogging?" Hermione offered.

"What's snogging mean?"

"Oh, honestly Harry, haven't you ever read Hogwarts a History? The definitions in there."

"Is it?" Ron asked, eyebrows raised, "Blimey, I might read it then..."

Draco looked at Ron, sneering a sneer that would sneer the pants off of a scarecrow. Yeah, _that_ type of sneer, you know what I'm talking about.

"How'd you get here?" Draco asked, then added, "By the way, you couldn't afford this sneer."

Ron rolled his eyes at the completely gorgeous sexy beast that was Draco Malfoy was of this year, "Duh, I apparated."

Harry clapped his hands at Ron's reponse, and looked at Draco, grinning, and exclaimed, "Oooh, DISS! You just got buuuurned! Al Ca-PWNed!"

"Maryland?" Draco asked, turning to Hermione.

"Yes, Drakey-cup-cakey?" she answered. Ron and Harry did not notice this, because they were busy looking through the apps on Ron's new iPhone.

"I forgot," he answered, looking out the window blankly. Clearly, he had said something that offended Hermione, because she ran out of the compartment crying tears of unhappiness and sorrow and depression and anti-joy.

He wasn't sure what he did, and the fact that she screamed, "DON'T MAKE FUN OF MEEE!" didn't help him any.

Neville, who was no longer dead, sat up and looked at Draco, seriousness plastered all over his face, and said, "Dat honey's acting funny. Her eyes were all teary an' her nose was all runny. Speakin' of witch, you better _run_ fast an' catch that witch."

"You can't rhyme 'which' with 'witch,'" Mrs Norris pointed out, peaking up from her copy of _Soap Opera Weekly_.

"Fine," Neville said, "Make like a golden snitch and catch that weeping witch."

Then, Hermione kicked down the door and pointed her wand at Neville. "_AVADA KADAVRA_!" she screamed.

"Why'd you kill Neville?" Hello Kitty asked.

"Because," Hermione said, her eyes filling up with tears again, almost ruining her make up _(almost)_, "I heard him rapping, and it sounded like he called me a--"

_**THE END**_

_**Disclaimer:**_ This all belongs to J.K. Rowling, though I dunno why she'd want this. Harry Potter as a whole is worth owning, though.

_**Author's Note:**_ Yup, dreadful, I know. But what can I say? I was bored and my friend kept insisting that I write a squeal. :P Bua ha ha, she never said I had to write a good one. Anyway, hoped you enjoyed it despite the fact that it was most unenjoyable. Thanks for reading, I'd appreciate it if you reviewed, and you get a cookie if your review rhymes. Have a lovely day!


End file.
